...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
