There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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