i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
