i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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