I will die if light touches me.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
