can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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