you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
