I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
