I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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