Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
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