I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
