Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize