Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
