Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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