2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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