You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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