Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
