I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
