I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
