The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
this boner is exhausting
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
