She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
