I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
