Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize