I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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