I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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