WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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