I think my vagina is haunted
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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