Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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