Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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