Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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