Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?
It's worth it.
How worth it?
Back door worth it
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
