How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
