no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
