This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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