Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
