I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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