Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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