Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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