The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
