I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
