It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
