I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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