he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
