I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize