I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
jump out the window naked night went bad
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize