I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize