those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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