You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
