the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
