I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
