I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
