so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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