I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize