I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My balls are so social today.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
