I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
