i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
