Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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