Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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