Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
