I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
