you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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