Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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