you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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