oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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